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Is It Okay to Talk About Consent with Teenagers and Does It Fit a Discussion on Abstinence?

Recently, colleagues on a listserv were discussing consent and education based on consent. Responding to one of my e-mails, a colleague voiced concerns about being able to discuss consent with teenagers – due to the sexual culture in their region of the country. Her comments were as follows:

"I feel like talking about consent is pushing the limit in my area. The schools would just rather I come in and say that kids shouldn't do it at all, and that if you are messing around sexually with someone, or are a female dressing sexually, there is a better chance that you will be assaulted b/c you are 'giving mixed messages' and attracting the attention of potential rapists. Of course, I do not say that. The attitude is that if students are having sex, they have made a bad choice and can and should choose differently."

I was happy to have the opportunity to share how consent education is appropriate for all forms of sexual education (abstinence, abstinence plus, comprehensive, etc...). Normally, I would not share an e-mail I've written to help shed light on a topic. However, this particular concern surrounding teaching consent is such a common concern among educators (and parents) that we saw the e-mail exchange as an opportunity to share with others. With that colleague’s permission, below you can read my response to her comments:

MY COMMENTS . . .

Actually the conversation on consent stresses respecting boundaries and standards. If students were asking before engaging in intimacy, more partners would say, "No" because they would feel less pressure. They would feel more empowered by being given a choice. Unequivocally, students in our programs say "asking first" would greatly reduce the amount of sexual activity among their age group. They state four main reasons:

1) They are not typically comfortable enough with the person to ask first and so having to ask would become uncomfortable in those situations. Thus, stopping the advancement of the sexual activity.

2) If they were being asked and were not sure of what they actually wanted, they would be given a choice to say, "No" without any negative consequences or without guilt/pressure being applied to them (in a healthy situation of asking first, you do not ever pressure someone or question them about their choice to say, "No.").

3) You cannot give consent when you are drunk. A great deal of intimacy occurs under the influence of alcohol and other drugs. Thus, these occurrences would be greatly reduced if consent was required before engaging in intimacy.

4) When students have learned about consent, they are more likely to feel comfortable telling their partner that he/she must ask first. In doing so, the person is sending a strong signal of healthy expectations and boundaries. By learning consent, the person who is having "moves made" on him/her is more likely to speak out.

In a program on consent, you can tackle the "mixed messages" theory head on. You can show the problems in ever trying to "read" another person's mind or messages. If you have any message, ask the person about what you are reading into their signals. With the proper skills, you can do so without being tacky or disrespectful (communication skills).

Teaching consent is much more than simply "how to say 'No' to your partner." Discussing consent means teaching communication skills, respect (what it means to each person), boundaries, personal values, and much more. In addition, discussing consent involves sharing what happens when someone does not get consent and how to support a survivor of sexual assault.

Many of you have mentioned your regional cultures as a reason for concern about discussing this issue. Ironically, we do a great deal of programming with religious institutions who want their students to have a discussion that respects abstinence while still preparing them for healthy intimacy down the road. You can easily share with communities how discussing consent is the ultimate way to discuss abstinence. If partners always asked first, your child's desire to be abstinent would always be respected AND honored.

======= What was the response of the colleague who sent the e-mail to me? I received a wonderful e-mail thanking me for providing clarity on an often cloudy subject matter. I simply appreciated having the opportunity to explain education on consent with points that apply to all cultural regions.

If you ever have a subject you would like me to discuss in the blog, please e-mail me and request for me to answer in the blog.

Is Your Teen Giving it up Online? Advice for parents with teens of the “MySpace Generation.”

Your teenager’s “group” used to be a few classmates from school. Now, thanks to online communities like MySpace and Friendster, a teen's peer group can be hundreds – from all places and all ages – and keeping in touch takes just the click of a mouse (and occupies most of your teen’s computer time). Congratulations! You’re the proud parent to a member of what has been coined the “MySpace Generation.”

MySpace (www.MySpace.com) is a free, online networking community allowing members to create mini-sites for themselves, with photos, music and profile info. According to a recent comScore Media Metrix survey, the site’s membership has increased by 609% - making it a buzzword you’ve probably heard somewhere in the media.
Members become “friends” by contacting other members and asking to be added as a friend. Comment boards, private message sending and instant messaging are also available, helping friends communicate at any time.

So what’s the big deal? Well, with more than 24 million members, chances are your teen either already has a MySpace site or will have one in the very near future. You need to be prepared to confront the possibility that your teen will establish a site which may contain photos and information you do not approve of.

Logging on to your teen’s MySpace site is sort of like opening his or her diary – except that this diary is available for the whole world to see. Like accidentally finding a diary, whether or not to log on and view your teen’s MySpace profile is a common moral dilemma for most parents. How can you respect your teen’s privacy and protect them at the same time? Simple – with open, honest and proactive communication.

Here are some tips for parents on discussing MySpace sites and other online socializing with their teens:

1) Photos. Although MySpace prohibits posting photos that are pornographic, your opinion may differ on what is too racy for your teen. If you already know your teen is posting inappropriate photos, ask him or her why they’ve chosen to represent themselves that way. What is he or she trying to say with the photos they’ve posted? Idea: Have your teen make a list of what makes him or her a “10.” Then, compare that list to the photos used and ask what qualities the photo conveys. (Note: you may think there’s no way your teen has inappropriate photos of him or herself, but Web cams, camera phones and digital cameras have made it surprisingly simple for teens to take candid photos without your knowledge.) Ideally, your teen will pick a photo of something they like (their favorite musical artist, book cover, CD cover, etc..) and not post any pictures of him or her self.

2) Profile. MySpace provides teens with a place to display their creativity. Profiles range from the very basic, to elaborate sites full of color, music, and animation. Encourage your teen to be expressive, but to keep in mind how it will be perceived. If your teen is 14, she shouldn’t list her MySpace age as 17. Remind your teen that honesty is essential. Even if it’s just a joke, inaccurate profile entries can attract the wrong kind of people to your teen’s site - such as online predators.

3) Limiting Online Social Time. When I was growing up, I was not allowed to be on the phone all day and all night talking to my friends. The comScore Media Metrix survey mentioned above also indicates that the majority of MySpace members are between the ages of 12-17. This places them well within the boundaries of parental supervision (after all, they’re probably using the family computer). Establish a limit or a curfew to online chatting. While it may be fun (and keep your teen quiet for hours), it’s very easy to become addicted to a "virtual" community. Keep your teen grounded in reality by making sure he or she is not neglecting homework, family time, and so on.

4) Trust. You are the parent of a teenager, so you already know you aren’t going to be able to oversee everything he or she does. However, by establishing core values such as healthy self-esteem and respect for others, you can find some comfort in knowing that your teen understands the importance of protecting both self-image and boundaries with his or her (or others') body.

5) Socializing and Dating in the Real World. Talking to your teen about communication online is a perfect segue way into discussing socializing in real life. Use this opportunity to find out how your teen approaches dating, intimacy, and sexual situations. Open and honest communication is essential to developing healthy relationships – between you and your teenagers and well as between your teenagers and their potential boyfriends/girlfriends. Lead by example!

Exploring the world via the internet can be a valuable and positive experience for your teen if supervised properly. However, as with most things, there is a dark side to the Internet that can result in negative influences and even self-imposed sexual exploitation unless your teen is given time and direction while he or she forges an identity.

Make sure your teen isn’t "giving it up” online by teaching boundaries, respect for the act of sex, and respect for themselves. Not only will your teen be more likely to approach online relationships with a healthy attitude, but this approach will carry over to the friendships and relationships they create offline as well.

Consent in Ireland

Thank you to the Rape Crisis Network of Ireland for calling on your country to redefine the word "consent" to help survivors have a better chance in seeking justice through the courts. Unfortunately, much of our world forgets that consent means permission. To get permission to do most things in life, everyone knows they must ask. Yet, most legal systems fail to acknowledge the importance of "asking first" with one of life's precious gifts -- intimacy.

In a report published today (according to the "Irish Examiner"), the RCNI said just 1% of sexual violence cases were currently ending in a prosecution. While our world continually agrees rape is a haneous crime, people and governments need to start doing MORE to back those words.

The Holiday Break

Great to be back after 2 weeks away from everyone here in the online world. Each year, I take the 2 weeks after my traveling from speaking is completed to "refresh." Hope you all had and continue to have a wonderful "HOLIDAY SEASON"!!

Gabriel's Story Becomes Documentary

Gabriel, a survivor in Voices of Courage, is currently being featured in a documentary at Santa Clara University -- to be debuted on December 7th. The documentary takes a close look at Gabriel's personal experience of being a survivor, including his involvement in Voices of Courage. Gabriel, thank you for your strength in sharing your journey with the world!!

Congratulations to Donna

Donna, one of the survivors in "Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault" (website www.voicesofcourage.com) has been recognized with the "Voices of Courage" Award from the organization Darkness2Light. (website http://www.darkness2light.com/ ). The award recognizes Donna's participation in the training film "Stewards of Children." Since August 2004, this training film has trained over 5,000 adults in child abuse prevention. The award is given to those who have the heart to step forward and bring the topic of child sex abuse to the forefront. Past recipients were Marilyn Van Debur(former Mrs. America), Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues), Ann Heche, John Wlash, Time, CNN, Young/Rubicam advertising, and others.

You can read Donna's incredible journey of survival and helping others in "Voices of Courage" (click here to learn how to get the book).

CONGRATULATIONS, DONNA!!!! You deserve the recognition. Your courage and strength is an inspiration to survivors throughout the world!!!

Bangkok Youth Turned Off By Sexual Violence

In a recent online "Bangkok Post" newspaper article, a study among youth "revealed that nearly 80% of respondents found sex abuse and rape scenes on television to be the most unacceptable broadcast content . . ." We can certainly hope our youth would answer the same.

Females Speak Out Against Abercrombie & Fitch

Please spread the word about the The Allegheny County Girls as Grantmakers -- who are taking action to speak out against the messages on T-shirts sold by Abercrombie and Fitch. You can read their statement by clicking on the folowing link:

http://www.wfnet.org/news/story.php?story_id=294

If you work with students, think about how you can get the males and females in your school to take a positive stand against Abercrombie and Fitch (and other companies who use inappropriate sexual/degrading messages to sell their products and services).

Corporate Advertisers -- Who Does It Right?

Which corporate advertisers who you feel do a great job of advertising to youth without using sex or degradation to sell their products/services? For instance, the cologne "Axe" clearly uses sexuality (inappropriate sexuallity -- including older women appearing to sexually seduce high school age males) to sell their product. At the same time, Apple's I-Pod appears to use music, dancing, and fun without sex. Could Apple have their dancers on skates appearing to be sexually assertive? Yes, but they choose not to and their product sells incredibly well.

Please share which companies advertise the best to youth without using "sex" and which companies you feel use "sex" too much or in an inappropriate manner by e-mailing info@thedatesafeproject.org.

As we compile the answers, we will research the feedback and announce a "Top 5 Advertisers for Youth in 2005" as the New Year's celebrations approach -- when most "2005 Top . . ." lists are announced.

Sexual Assault Awareness Posters

For those of you who have been awaiting the new poster series stressing "Asking First," the final stages are moving along nicely. Once we have complete rights to all of the images (this process has been the biggest time consuming element), the posters will be made readily available. The goal is to have the posters available by the first of the year. The posters are for high schools, colleges, and universities. They all promote a proactive approach to consent and sexual assault awareness.

Students in our prayers

Over the past year, I have been blessed to speak at the University of Southern Indiana twice. So when we saw the reports of the tornado hitting their region, our hearts and prayers went out to their community. This evening, we learned that some of their students were injured. Please keep these students in your prayers and thoughts.

Upcoming "Montel" show

Tuesday, November 8th, the "Montel" show will be featuring a truly dynamic and inspiring person -- Jennifer Stephens. Jennifer is a survivor of abuse (along with her 15 brothers and sisters). You can learn more at http://www.jenniferstephens.org. I have been blessed to meet Jennifer and she is an amazing survivor. Montel William will have Dave Pelzer on the show with Jennifer.

Sexual Assault -- Do You Have the Room?

One of the key factors in putting together a successful education program is the setting in which you are facilitating the session. To have a personal and intimate conversation, you need an atmosphere which feels "intimate" and personal. You want your audience to feel like they are "together" in the room. If you put 100 people in a 500 seat room, they will spread out and not feel "together" and so they will be much less likely to connect with each other. Without a connection, people are less likely to talk.

Likewise, you want to find a room with as few distractions as possible. For this reason, gymnasiums are horrible settings for talks. The "huge" open space of gyms cause people to look around. The seating is uncomfortable and so the audience is more likely to become antsy and want to move around. Plus, students are use to cheering and being rowdy in bleachers (not listening and/or opening up to personal concerns).

The idea setting? For a very small group (under 100 people), circle seating is great so that everyone feels like they can see each other. When anyone (the facilitator or the audience member) talks in a circle setting, those listening feel like the person is talking directly to them. A "personal" feel is your goal.

For larger groups, you want a room that barely has enough seating to fit everyone in. The more compact everyone is, the more the audience feels like they are "together" in the room. In tight spaces, funny moments are likely to draw large laughs because the "togetherness" will make people feel safer to laugh and have fun. During serious points of conversations, more people will speak up because they feel like they are surrounded by others who are "with them." Ideally, you want to be in an auditorium that fits the logistics we have just mentioned. An auditorium is ALWAYS better than a ballroom because an auditorium is designed to be focused on the stage (both visually and with hearing). Rarely does a ballroom have fantastic sound that is equal for the attendees in the front of the room as with the back of the room.

To help make the biggest impact on your audience, give your audience the setting most likely to encourage their involvement!!

Voices of Courage has World Premier

Last Thursday, the book "Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault" was produced as a stage production in its world premiere at Northern Michigan University. Over 260 people filled the theatre to experience the powerful words of the survivors from "Voices of Courage." The feedback was outstanding!

In the coming months, this script will be packaged and made available for campuses throughout the country. Much like the "Vagina Monologues," campuses will be able to bring "Voices of Courage" to their campus to be performed by students and community members. PR & Marketing packets will be included in the purchase rights for the performance -- to help insure great attendance in every venue. Organizations and schools will be encouraged to utilize the stage production as a fund-raiser to support local sexual assault crisis centers. Everyone at The Date Safe Project is looking forward to the official day the script and packaging will be available. As soon as a date is confirmed, we will announce it immediately here on the blog.

R. Kelly Sex Charges

With a judge recently refusing to drop the sex charges against R. Kelly (R&B singer), the media has begun discussing his case again. I applaud media and news sources addressing cases concerning sexual assaults and sexual misconduct. My questions is, "Why just R. Kelly and other such celebrities (actors, athletes, politians, entertainers, etc...)?" Imagine if the media covered every sexual assault case like they did cases involving celebrities (Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson). Our society would constantly be hearing and reading the coverage of sexual assault cases across the country. People would realize how frequent sexual assault occurs in our society. They may even become fearful. They would demand change. Wouldn't that be great -- To see our country truly tackle the horrific crime of sexual assault?

What can you do to personally help increase awareness? Every time you see major media and news sources cover a sexual assault involving a celebrity, read your local newspaper crime blotter to see what other sexual assault charges occured in the past week. Make a copy of that specific section of the blotter and fax it to the news/media outlet saying, "Thanks for covering the XXX sexual assault case. Thought you might be interested in also covering these local cases."

"It's No Big Deal" -- From a Kiss to Oral Sex

One of the most common questions students ask me online (when visiting one of my websites addressing sexual assault and consent) is how to handle your partner making a statement like, "Why won't you kiss you? A kiss is not that big of a deal."

The statement is almost always made after the partner has said "No" and/or told the other partner that he/she is not sure if he/she was ready yet for that type of intimacy. For example, Chris is trying to get Pat to be intimate, but Pat is saying she is not ready or comfortable engaging in that intimate act. Chris says to Pat, "It is no big deal. Why don't you just try it with me and then you'll see?" Chris is clearly trying to persuade Pat into engaging in the sexual act. The intimate act being referred to as "no big deal" can often range from a kiss to oral sex to sexual intercourse.

If Pat is e-mailing and/or asking you what to do, what do you say? First of all, you want to let Pat know that a caring partner who respects you will not try to "persuade" you into any sexual act that you are not comfortable with. A partner who respects you will respect your beliefs and your boundaries at all times.

Share with Pat how the NO BIG DEAL excuse makes no sense. Anytime a person says a sexual act is 'no big deal' then ask that person, "If it is NO BIG DEAL then why are you trying to get me to do it? After all, it's NO BIG DEAL. What is a big deal? My boundaries, my standards, and my beliefs are a VERY BIG DEAL TO ME! You want to be with me? Start by respecting me and my choices."

Wake-up To Alcohol

In an article printed today in the Kentucky Kernel ("Study: Binge drinking, sexual assaults mix too often" by Mallory Moore), the title hits the point right on target. However, the article itself fails to follow the disturbing points from the research. The majority of the article focused on binge drinking. However, the study showed how students were frequently using alcohol as a date rape drug (30-40% of males admitted doing so). The one paragraph from the article that states the findings of the study said:

According to a study at Indiana State University, 40 percent of male students play drinking games to take sexual advantage of their opponents. Another 30 percent play because they're trying to get their opponent drunk enough to have sex, and 20 percent said they assaulted an opponent after a drinking game.

Here is the news story. Two years ago, date rape drugs were getting tons of attention from major media sources. People were talking about how dangerous date rape drugs are and how to be "safe" when going out to drink socially. During that time, many of us activists in the field of sexual assault education were saying, "Is everyone forgetting about alcohol? The #1 Date Rape Drug ever to exist is alcohol. If a person wouldn't engage in the sexual act with you sober and so you use alcohol to change their state of mind, you are using a drug to influence the minds of another person -- the very definition of a date rape drug." We must admit that alcohol is #1 Date Rape Drug and it is being used throughout society at a much higher rate than GHB, Royhpnol, and other date rape drugs.

The study shows how common it is for people to use alcohol as a way to sexually assault another person. We even see media images promoting this concept. In the recent movie "40 year old Virgin," the main character is told by his buddy to find the drunk woman and start your sexual experience with her (it was suppose to be a humorous part of the movie). Think about the fact that lots of people probably did laugh during that scene. Thus, showing how we live in a "rape culture." Our society does not understand how tragic the crime of sexual assault is. In the study mentioned previously, a high percentage of males admit to intentionally using alcohol to drug a partner into sexual activity.

Hopefully, a major media news outlet will grab onto this study and help America wake up to the reality of how alcohol is being used to rape women and men throughout our society. Parents, schools, and colleges need to teach students why this issue is vitally important to all of us .. We must begin by teaching why consent is the key element to healthy intimacy. Consent ideally means two people making a comfortable and wanted decision together when both are in a healthy state of mind (not intoxicated). If every student believed in the importance of conset and that he or she must obtain consent before engaging in a sexual act, you would not see the use of alcohol so prevalent as a date rape drug. Why? Because students would know that they cannot receive consent from a drunk person and would not want to intentionally hurt another person.

If we had more comprehensive education on sexual assault, students would realize how traumatic and horrifying this crime is to both survivors and the people around them. Society consistently says that murder and rape are the two most horrific crimes. You don't see many people who would ever brag about killing someone. However, you do frequently hear students (from middle school to high school) who brag about "I got her so drunk, I _____ her" -- bragging about taking advantage of another person. Bragging about being a rapist.

Our society must speak loud and clear to address how serious of a problem we have with the combination of sexual assault and alcohol. We can't simply say sexual assault is a horrific crime and then not do anything about it. Start by teaching respect for human life, the need to always have consent, and by looking out for others. If you want to help make make an impact, download the "Pledge to Protect" from www.thedatesafeproject.org and help others join the mission to make a difference!

Link

Sex Ed and Sexual Assault

In the debate of abstinence verse comprehensive Sex Ed in a recent US & World News Report (Just Don't Do It! Kate Kelly, October 17), the one component missing from the conversation was the fact that the the majority of Sex Ed programs are leaving out the importance of teaching students to talk with one another - consent. If students were taught the importance of respecting their partner’s wishes and boundaries, you would see a decrease in risky sexual activities occurring.

What should and should not be covered in a public school Sex Edprogram may be a controversial topic, since public funding is involved. However, lessons on consent and 'asking first,' should be supported by parents and teachers on both sides of the argument.

When asked first, a partner who may be uncomfortable with a certain sexual activity will actually be given a choice and have the option to say, "No." This is a point both those believing in comprehensive sexual education and those who want abstinence-only programs should be able to agree on - respecting another person's choice and boundaries.

Everyone should want youth to respect their bodies and the bodies of their partners. And the key to insuring respect is ‘asking first' and then listening. Teenagers and college students repeatedly tell me that if they had to ask first, they would be more likely to realize the potentially dangerous consequences of their actions (the influence of alcohol, diseases, hook-ups, etc...). Students admit that 'asking first' would create safer dating environments and more respect among partners.

The discussion that needs to occur with Sex Ed is "When are we going to begin teaching students 'how to talk first' before engaging in sexual activity? When are we going to start teaching the importance of 'asking first' and then listening?" Both sides of the current debate want their views to be respected -- so lets start teaching our students how to respect boundaries and provide real choices when with their partners (both in dating and in marriage)!

"Pledge to Protect" Kids and Students

I am excited to announce that The Date Safe Project has launched a new initiative asking students and families to pledge their support and protection to one another to help reduce the number of sexual assault and date rape incidents.

As a nation, a shared commitment to this cause is exactly the kind of community involvement we need to help put these people away and help raise awareness for families and children of the real dangers that exist out there. Our initiative further reinforces the responsibility of communities and teaches friends and families the importance of supporting and protecting one another.

The Date Safe Project’s program offers two “contracts.” The agreements are educational resources provided to schools and families by The Date Safe Project.

The Commitment to Care agreement is designed for parents and children. Children promise to come to their parents if they are ever victimized in any way sexually, and parents promise to support their children in the way the child wishes to be supported.

Unfortunately, many children who are victims of sexual molestation, and/or teens who have been date raped, resist telling parents. The reasons range from embarrassment to worrying what their parents will actually do to the perpetrator. This Commitment to Care helps open the dialogue between parents and children and creates guidelines both parents and children can be sure of if ever faced with this kind of trauma.

The Pledge to Protect is designed for students in middle and high schools and colleges and universities. Students announce their support for others and promise to help peers who find themselves in potentially dangerous situations. They also vocalize their support for those who have survived a sexual assault. At the end of my presentations this Fall on college campuses, several of the schools have promoted the "Pledge to Protect" and have had fantastic show of support from students and staff.

By making this pledge, students create a united front against sexual assault and date rape, visible to all who need support and to those who have or could possibly commit a sexual crime. It says ‘we will not tolerate this.'

We are not alone in this mission to protect children and others from sexual predators. National figures are helping make a difference. On her talk show, Oprah Winfrey has recently taken on the cause of helping to find sex offenders across the country. She is doing a wonderful job of posting photos of sexual criminals at large on her program. David Schwimmer from the television show "Friends" has actively supported work increasing sexual assault awareness and survivors. Tori Amos has been at the forefront of supporting R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse, Incest, and National Network). The more we can get people of all backgrounds speaking out, the more our society is to start talking.

Giving to Rape Crisis Centers and Shelters

With school back in for both universities and K12 school systems, you are probably noticing the huge increase in fund-raisers starting up. When someone asks you to purchase frozen pizza, magazines, books, and various other items -- ask yourself, "Could this stuff be utilized by a Women's Shelter or a Rape Crisis Center?" Even better, call the location and tell them you would like to donate through a local fund-raiser. Ask them what they would like. Often when it comes to fund-raisers, people tend to say, 'I don't really need that' and so they don't purchase anything. However, others do NEED supplies and appreciate receiving uplifting reading material. With magazine drives, youc an even renew the location's current subscriptions (on their behalf). Help your local resources by giving!!

"Give Students the Worst"

When working with students on sensitive issues (sexual assault, alcohol, and drugs), many educators make the mistake of only providing the most positive options. Give the students precise ways to react to the most positive and the most negative scenarios. By doing so, you are providing students with the tools they will need for all situations. For instance, in my "Can I Kiss You?" program, we role-play an "asking for a kiss" scene. We play it both ways (with the partner wanting the kiss and with the partner saying, "No"). By doing so, students have nothing to fear because they have learned how to handle both possibilities.

Plus, you will be much more credible with the students. If you don't prepare them for the tougher situations, they will get into those moments and feel lost. Once they feel lost, they may tell themselves that doing the "right thing" is too difficult or simply not realistic. We want to always help everyone make the "right" choice.

Student Research

One of the most common questions professionals on campus ask me is, 'How do you stay up-to-date on the way students talk, what they talk about, and what they are doing in their dating lives? Students really relate to the words you use in your presentation.' Research is the answer. Oh, not just the kind ofresearch most people think about. Yes, I do keep my eye out on new reports, studies, findings, and articles on trends and statistics effecting teenagers, young adults, healthy dating, and sexual assault. However, such information is often 'old' by the time it is released. Frequently, students have already shared 'it' with us way before the research is debated publicly. Yes, students are a wonderful resource for research.

Listening to students on your campus will teach you much of what you need to know (not everything). As social norming reveals, each community has different values, behaviors, and challenges. Discovering what YOUR students are thinking, watching, and listening to is the key. If you want to discover the 'why' behind behaviors of people, go to their sources of information (news, entertainment, and their own discussions between each other). Make yourself watch a few TV shows that students may be watching in their rooms. If you have cable, watch a few episodes of the shows containing high sexual content. A popular show among college students is 'Real Sex' -- a very explicit look at our sexual culture. Be warned: this show can be of Triple X level of sexual situations. Watching one episode will give you a feel of the information available to students today -- just from HBO.

Pay close attention to the messages they are receiving and ask yourself, 'What attracts students to this show?' Ask students what they like about certain shows, music, magazines, etc...Research your students trends by talking with them.

Sex. Can We Talk?

When discussing respect and consent with students, how do you handle the specific issue of "sex" and "intimate acts"? If you are talking to students about the need to have consent before becoming intimate with a partner, how do you respond when a student interrupts you and says, "How do you ask if you want to give your partner a blow _ _ _? or if I want to touch my partner's ______?" (I do censor these e-mails to insure they get through any spam blockers).

Did either of those questions just make you squirmish or uncomfortable? If so, ask yourself, "Why?". When in a mature, healthy, and safe relationship, such sexual acts can be a routine part of a couple's intimacy. Usually, the students are asking you these questions because they sincerely want to know the answer. You should feel honored the students felt comfortable enough with you to open up with you. Sometimes, a student may be asking to "test" you and see how honest you are willing to be with them. Most students hate getting "sugar coated" information. They want the truth. After all, they are called the "Y" generation because they want to know "why".

If you appear to be uncomfortable talking about sex with students, the students are likely to mentally shut you out. They will say to themselves, "Why would I take advice on dating, intimacy, and sex from someone who can't even talk about it?" How do you get more comfortable with discussing this issue? Read books on human sexuality. A great book could help you become more confident on the issue and thus, create an "ease" for you to lead conversations. Plus, you will be armed with more knowledge to share with students (you will be able to help counter all the misleading information they are given by friends and the media).
When talking with students about consent and "asking first," the #1 question you are likely to receive is, "Do you ask your partner?" The question is a very good one. If you don't personally exercise the concept of "asking first", then you are being hypocritical to tell students that they should. You certainly cannot use the excuse, "Well I am older and so its different" or "I'm married and so it doesn't apply for me." Age doesn't matter. Commitment of a relationship doesn't matter. You still can't read minds.

So, do you have any excuses for not being open with students? Let me share the 2 most common ones I hear:

a) We are in a religious institution.
In most religions, the belief is that God created you. In doing so, God created the act of sex to help create life. Why would God create such a wonderful act between two people -- only to have your school talk about it in "shame" or as if it is "bad"? We are simply talking to our students so they understand what a special gift intimacy is. They should be as educated as much as possible to treasure that gift and treat it with the utmost respect.

b) I work with minors.
In most states in this country, some form of sexual contact is legal before the age of 18 (in many states, sexual intercourse is legal before the age of 18). How can we tell students it is legal to participate in these acts, but not to be educated on them?

Are you worried about the parents of minors? A simple way to address any sexual act is to let the students bring up the specifics. For instance, you ask, "What is the one dangerous sexual act that is the 'thing' to do nowadays?" The students may tell you oral sex. A parent calls and says, "How dare you teach my kids about oral sex?". All you have to do is respond by saying, "Actually, I didn't bring up oral sex and I didn't teach them how to do it. The students brought that specific sexual act up. Not me."

For me, teachers, educators, and parents are essential to my message. When I leave a school, many students will e-mail me questions because they don't feel they have someone at school or in their home that they can talk to. What do I do? I try to help them find that "someone" who they can become comfortable with. Ideally, you are one of those people.

Before trying to open another person's mind, how open is yours?

www.thedatesafeproject.org

Don't Blame the Audience

When I am presenting my "Train the Trainer" session with peer educators, RA's, and administrators, one of the most frequently asked questions is, "How do we get men involved? When we handout brochures in the Student Union, rarely do men take anything." My response is simple. Why do you have such a lame brochure that no guy wants to pick up? If you want to draw the average male into your efforts, create materials that relate to the average male.

Materials that say, "Join Men Against Rape" are built on a negative. It is men "Against . . ." Instead, create an organization that shows what men are fighting FOR!! Most people want to join positive organizations. What could you title the organization that would be a positive title? For example, "Men Making a Difference!!" Produce materials that say, "How Strong Are You? Strong Enough to be a Real Man? Real Men Speak Out!! Join us on Tuesday at 7:00 PM." It is a powerful message.

If you want to be more controversial, you could be thought-provoking with issues that spark a fire inside a certain group of men such as for males in the Greek system on campus, "Do You Hate How Greek Members Are Assumed to Be Rapists? Do something about it by showing up on Tuesday at 7:00 PM!" In this example, you are speaking to men about something that they feel directly effects them. Best of all, you can then show those men how they can change that image of Greek Life by each of them getting personally involved in awareness education and efforts on campus. Thus, you are giving them a proactive approach to a major campus issue. To avoid further upsetting any group, you should only place this type of an Ad in the Greek Life houses / housing (where only they would see it). Better yet, ask their leadership to put the signs up. Many Greek members on campus constantly tell me how they hate the negative image and want to change it. Create a forum for those individuals to get involved.

www.thedatesafeproject.org

A Campus Brings It From the Top

When schools and organizations show support from the very top of the administration, the likelihood of more people getting actively involved is tremendously higher!! At Gustavus Adolphus College in Minnesota, the support came from the President of the University downward and from the students upward. When I came onto campus, we saw faculty and staff wearing the "Can I Kiss You?" T-shirts all over campus. Before I presented my main program that day, the campus had a special dinner for all of the organizations involved in sponsoring my visit. The dinner was made-up of 15 faculty/administration (including the President of the University) and 15 students.

The results? Over 25% of the campus attended the program that evening and NO ONE was mandated to attend. Students had simply heard from other students and faculty all about the program. The lesson? Working hard to get lots of departments and administrators involved is worth the effort. Oh yea, this entire movement on their campus was started by a STUDENT who was determined to make this event a huge success! Gustavus Adolphus is a prime example of students, staff, and faculty working together (in all directions).

Welcome

Welcome to "The Date Safe Advocate" Blogger. This site is dedicated to teaching why and how "asking first" is the key to gaining consent in an intimate moment. By learning the importance of asking, our society will exhibit a much more respectful and safer approach to dating and relationships. Please feel free to share your ideas and feedback with us at info@thedatesafeproject.org.

Getting Students Involved

--orginally printed in November 2004

"We just don't have enough students involved to get anything rolling about sexual assault awareness on our campus (or in our schools). What can we do?" Schools and students are constantly looking for ways to get more people engaged on the topic of sexual assault awareness. If you are looking to get more people involved, good news! Schools are having great success with the following concept.

Your #1 Recruiting Tool is an inspired audience! When you put on a thought-provoking program that really intrigues students, you will have them interested and wanting to make a difference. At that exact moment is when you ask for people to sign-up.

EXAMPLE: Recently on 2 different campuses that I was speaking at, the school provided me with an organization on campus that was trying to get more students involved with sexual assault awareness. At the end of my presentation (when I was discussing how each person in the audience has to decide what he/she is going to personally do to help), I brought up this great organization on their campus and how each person only needs to sign-up to start the change. Signing-up only means leaving your name, phone number, and/or e-mail address. The form is right here on stage and will only take you seconds to fill out.

The results? At least 1/3 of the audiences have been signing up (with an audience of only 100, you are talking about anadditional 33 students to work with). Even if only 1/3 of those students that sign-up do anything, you have 10 MORE STUDENTS helping you on campus.

You can utilize this recruiting tool at all programming (Peer Educators, Speakers, etc...). For recruiting to work, the presenters MUST be passionate and excited about the organization when they talk about signing up (upbeat and positive energy). After all, "Energy Energizes"! Have the students talk about how much fun they have working together. Everyone likes to have fun.

Be Honest & Realistic

--originally printed in November 2004

One of most common mistakes people make in educating students about healthy dating and relationships is that the presenter makes doing the "right thing" always seem simple and easy. The problem with that philosophy is that when a student finds it difficult doing the right thing, the student says to him/herself, "I can't do this" and then they often go back to the unhealthy or disrespectful approach.

If you teach and SHOW how difficult doing the right thing can be, then you properly prepare people for those tough moments. You make it possible for the student to overcome their fears. If you give examples of embarrassing scenarios that could result from doing the "right thing" (such as "asking" before kissing someone and being "turned down"), then you provide honest and real solutions to the audience's biggest concerns. Students appreciate the honesty. When you make everything seem simple and "fairy tale" like, you usually lose your credibility.

While you know doing the "right thing" is important, ask yourself, "How can doing the 'right thing' be embarrassing or feel 'odd' at times?" Think of specific situations. Now, how can you change that situation to reduce the uncomfortable moment? If you can give the audience the worst thing that could possibly happen to them when acting with respect AND then show the audience how to handle that very difficult moment, they will respect you for speaking the truth. Plus, you will give them an answer they can feel comfortable with and can look forward to using in their own lives.

The students will tell you, "Thank you for treating us like adults and for being real with us -- For giving us the chance to make tough decisions." Next time you are working with students, give it a shot and let me know what happens.

P.S. Rehearse first!

How Far Will You Go? (Student Leaders)

--originally printed in October 2004

RA's, Orientation Leaders, Peer Educators, and many other student leaders have fantastic opportunities to lead, especially when they are around other students on their campus. The challenge is "How Far Will You Go" to make a difference? Are you willing to take on an issue -- even when you are not "required" or "expected" to address the specific subject matter?

When the issue of sexual assault awareness arises among student leaders, most of the leaders share that they participate in the "standard" talk about parties, date rape drugs, locking doors to the residence halls, etc... However, very few student leaders take action toward creating a "healthy and respectful atmosphere" in their living quarters.

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EXAMPLE
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For example, a couple (Partner A and Partner B) is returning from a party at 11:30 PM. They are arriving at the living quarters of Partner A who lives in the residence hall. Partner A has been drinking, but is not belligerent or obnoxious (simply "tipsy"). Partner B appears to be sober. You observe the couple going towards Partner A's room. Do you do anything?

Most students report that they would check-in on Partner A and make sure that everything is okay. If everything appears to be okay, the observing student will tell Partner A to be careful.

A few student leaders (very few) would do the following: Approach Partner A to see if the person has been drinking. Once established that Partner A has been drinking, the student leader would turn to Partner B and say, "Thank you for bringing Partner A back to the hall. We really appreciate it. We will take care of everything from here. Thanks again." If Partner B gets upset or starts arguing, the student leader would say, "Look, Partner A has been drinking and it is our responsibility to make sure that our floor mate is okay and safe in this hall. We don't want to get you into trouble or Partner A -- so please let us take care of Partner A." If Partner B becomes violent or threatening, the student leaders would call security and immediately have the person written up. If the student leader was not a RA, then the student leader would seek out the RA or the hall director to help intervene.
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Some people ask "Why would you get involved in this situation?" In most states, you cannot give consent if you are not of sound mind (which drinking can certainly contribute to a person not being of "sound mind"). What are the odds that sexual contact will be taking place in the room of Partner A -- once the couple goes into the room by themselves? The far majority of students state that the odds are tremendously high that sexual activity of some kind will take place in a room of a couple returning from a party, especially when one partner has been drinking and is tipsy.

What if the situation was different? If Partner B was talking violently or in a threatening manner toward Partner A, then would you interfere? Most student leaders answer, "Immediately." If you had heard a rumor that Partner B had sexually assaulted another student on campus, then would you interfere? The majority of student leaders reply, "Of course." What is the difference? A person who is acting "violently" or "mean" appears to be obvious. However, -- if Partner B is not acting so obviously, people are more likely to ASSUME that Partner B is safe. A dangerous assumption.

The question becomes "How far will you go to help protect your fellow students?"

Males Do Want to Help

--originally printed in October of 2003

One of the biggest misconceptions about dating and sexual assault awareness is the belief that "most men don't care about this issue, especially young males." As the new school year has begun and I am speaking on college campuses, we are seeing an incredible number of both males and females asking great questions and wanting more information. At the end of presentations, males are buying books at the back of the room in equal volume as the females (on some campuses, more males are buying the book than females). The feedback we are hearing from male and female students is that they are thrilled to have the opportunity to learn about healthy dating, respect, and sexual assault awareness in a forum that encourages both genders to get involved by talking together (instead of just teaching women "self-defense" and only teaching men "No Means No").

If you would like to get more males involved, remember the cliché' "You attract a lot more bees to honey than vinegar." Avoid"attacking" differing views. Welcome them, explore them, and then you have the opportunity to help someone CHANGE their beliefs based on their own thought process. Create an open and healthy environment for males and females to talk with each other and you can be amazed by what they share and learn from each other.

"Let It Rain" by a survivor of sexual assault

--originally posted in August 2004

"Repair"
by Jessica

I cannot feel
I cannot see
I cannot wash
I won’t come clean

My face is red
My hands are black
My heart is blue
My soul, it lacks

My spirit’s in pieces
My dreams are jaded
My nights are shattered
My memory has faded

Where innocence presided
Darkness moved in
As soon as my eyes shut
The nightmares begin

My mouth, it is screaming
But no sound will come out
Rescue me from this skin
Let me out, let me out

And now I am running
To find a new day
But I’m running in circles
I just can’t get away

Sometimes I can just sit still
It’s the only peace I find
But when I clear my head there’s room
For that night to replay, replay in my mind

For an answer I search
But it cannot be found
All I find is the horror
The feeling, the sound

My eyes now feel
My hands now see
It’s all mixed up
And I still won’t come clean

This shame it now binds me
My body’s in chains
Please someone free me
From this guilt, from this blame

And now it is raining
The sky cries just for me
There is no sense in staying dry
The water sets me free

The storm is getting bigger
From my eyes my pain still falls
The rain does its best to cover my tears
But it will never hide them all

I want the rain to wash me off
But the rain can’t get inside
For now I have to hold it in
For now I have to hide

And all of a sudden
I have a hand reaching out
Some wrong turns to right
And some hope replaces doubt

I never liked the rain so much
Until I stood in it with you
The soil begins to wash away
A little at a time, the real me shows through

The scars still claim their place
I still feel the pain
But now I know I deserve to come clean
Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain.

**If you would like to share a writing with us, please e-mail me at mike@thedatesafeproject.org.

Working with Students

--originally printed in July 2002

Recently, I was interviewed by a newspaper reporter from the Waco Tribune to talk about working with students in schools. Are teenagers more difficult today than 20 years ago? Are they less respectful of authority? ... and many similar questions. My answer to each question was “NO!”

Don’t get me wrong. Students of today are different. They do not and will not accept “because I said so.” Students want you to explain “why” and they are right in making that request of educators, activists, politicians, parents, and others. If you want people to make the tough and correct choice when faced with difficult decisions, you must give them the proper foundation of decision-making. Each teenager must understand, at their deepest core, why doing the “right thing” is so vitally important to being a good person. When you understand the “why” of your decisions, going against peer pressure is much easier.

In addition to knowing the “why”, you must teach the TRUTH and be willing to hear the TRUTH yourself! Be open and honest with students. If you go to give a presentation on sexual assault, be prepared for all attitudes and answers that may come your way. Open yourself up to all challenges with a friendly face. If you become defensive towards a student’s comments during your program, you will turn many of the students “off" and thus, diminish your entire reason for speaking -- to open their minds to a better approach and understanding. No matter how offensive the student’s comment may be, you must remain calm and address the negative comments with a positive approach. Time and time again, students tell us that our program is so successful because of the manner is which we relate to the students. The students love that we are willing to hear “their side of the story.”

For example, many people teach students that "No Always Means No." However, in each crowd of 30 students, you will have AT LEAST one female who will believe that you are wrong in telling students that "No Always Means No." In this one female’s mind, she will be thinking “that is not true. I have said ‘no’ as part of a game I play with the guys I’m with.” How do you address this issue? If you simply say “NO always means NO”, you are going to lose credibility after you leave the room. Why? At least one female student (if not more) will talk about how they personally break that rule which makes you wrong because you said, "Always." Once a student can prove you wrong, the other student’s will believe their peer and not you. After you lose your credibility, all the lessons you were teaching will be lost by the majority of the students.

Then how do you address to students the issue that “No Always means No”? Change the wording in your presentation to "Always respect the word 'No' as meaning 'No!' Then, you are showing the utmost respect for your partner." By changing this wording, no one individual student's argument can prove you wrong because you didn't say what they were thinking (which you can't absolutely know). Instead of trying to prove what they were thinking, you showed all the students the "right way" to respect another person.

With any decisions you make on your approach with students, you must explain your approach in a way that you feel comfortable and believe in If I gave you my speech, it wouldn’t work for you. Why? I fully understand my approach and believe in it 100%. My personal passion is the catalyst to my presentations. Your passion will be unique to you. If you try to copy another person's program, students will know. Teenagers have a gift of being able to detect a "fake" and can tell when you are NOT passionate about what you are saying.

When a student does make a rude or insensitive comment, is it easy to remain objective and calm? No, but you are the professional and your goal should be to make a difference. Therefore, you must learn how to use this skill of “not attacking”. If you have spoke to students in the past and never heard arguments against your point of view, you are probably not provoking the students enough to hear what they are really thinking. Provoking must be done in a fashion that makes the students comfortable with you. You can NOT lecture teenagers and make them feel comfortable. They hate lectures. Talk WITH them and listen to them. Then teach each of them what is the “right thing to do”.

Students of today are an awesome group of individuals who love to be challenged. Challenge them and open doors of change that they never expected to experience. By doing so, you will make an amazing difference!

Stick to One Point -- Then Call to Action

--originally printed in April 2005

When you work with students or audiences of any age, stressing too many concepts in one hour is likely to confuse your listeners.

Choose one main theme. Within the one main point you select, make several smaller points to strengthen your message. Just keep the "MAIN" point clear throughout the presentation. For most effective results, all the smaller points should focus back to the "MAIN" theme.
Then, end the program with a CALL TO ACTION -- based on your "MAIN"point!! If you only make people aware of a problem, you are not necessarily helping reduce the problem from happening. For instance, at the end of my presentation, I want to leave the audience WANTING TO ASK their partners (current and/or future). If they take that action, they are very likely to treat their partners with more respect. Thus, we give the audience a "skill" to use in their own lives.

Sexual Assault & Persons with Disabilities

--originally printed in January 2005

"Persons with disabilities are at a much greater risk for sexual assault than persons without disabilities. When sexual violence does occur, they receive fewer services and support," says Shirley Paceley, Director of Blue Tower Training Center in Decatur, Illinois. Shirley is doing something about this problem. Blue Tower is a national provider of training, consultation and resources on sexual abuse prevention and intervention for persons with developmental disabilities. Shirley was the Project Coordinator for the WE CAN Stop Abuse project which developed and implemented an effective curriculum to teach prevention skills to persons with developmental disabilities.

With a lifelong passion for violence prevention, Ms. Paceley’s work has extended to young children -- when she co-authored "SAFE BEGINNINGS: Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse" with Orieda Horn Anderson. Blue Tower Training Center has released a children’s CD of prevention music, called "I LIKE ME! Growing Songs for Healthy Children." "We feel that with music, we can help children build a strong foundation of healthy sexuality and a healthy self-concept," says Paceley. Songs on the CD include feelings, touches, secrets, telling, respect, diversity and more.

To learn more about the products and services available through Blue Tower Training Center go to: http://www.thedatesafeproject.org in the "Educational Tools" section.

Tough Crowds Need Us

--Originally printed in January 2005

If you have ever spoke to a class, presented to a large audience, or conducted a workshop, you may have once thought, "Wow, that was a tough crowd."

Last semester, I was speaking to an audience of Fraternities in which several males in the audience were determined to speak out throughout various segments of the evening. Often, their comments were considered rude and disrespectful. While my program is designed to be interactive, we rarely run into an audience exhibiting such behavior.

After the session was completed, a group of student leaders took me to dinner. While thanking me for coming to their campus, these student leaders apologized for the males who were so disruptive. They said to me, "We loved your program and heard lots of great comments from the fraternities, but would you ever come back here after working with such a boorish group?" "Yes, of course," I answered.

The fact is that those students proved MORE programming needs to be done to continue the process of creating change. An audience who makes comments in response to you is an audience that is LISTENING! All of the statements this group made were in direct response to what I was saying. I knew we had lit a "fire" inside them and so they were determined to prove me wrong. Perfect. The more they argued, the more opportunity they provided me to show the need for change in their thought process.

How do you keep yourself "under control" when being bombarded with interruptions? Be direct! Be willing to stop your "normal" presentation and take a different course of action.
Example: In the above presentation, I stopped my program and paused. Silence is a powerful tool when presenting. Then, I looked straight into their eyes and asked with a sincere tone, "How many of you hate the comments made about Fraternities that make you look like jerks and rapists?" The entire room raised their hands. I followed with, "Then why are some of you acting like that image this evening? I know that is not who you are. I know most of you are great individuals. All I am asking you to do is to act like it." The room was silent. Rarely do I ever need to take this approach, but in the right situation -- it works. The overwhelming feedback afterwards was "Thank you for saying what needed to be said to us."

Don't let a tough crowd get you down. Let them remind of how much your work is needed. Get "UP" and get excited for a group you know needs your message!!

Living in This Great Country

--Originally printed in May of 2002

Recently, I spoke at a high school in the Southwest portion of the United States. This speaking engagement was a great learning experience. Why? I was reminded that we should all be grateful for the lives we live each and every day.

This morning, I spoke in 4 classes at a high school that is in a town which is literally on the border of Mexico and the USA. In this geographical area, each community is built along the border. Every where you look, you see desert (sand, bushes, and mountains). I am not naming the town because they were wonderful people and I do not want you tohave a negative opinion of the entire community. The fact is that this community represents a great deal of the small communities in our wonderful country.

As you drive into town, you can't help but notice poverty. As you approach the high school, a couple of homes are not much more than shacks. Almost 1000 students go to this school. However, the library is so small that it looks like it is for a small elementary school. The school is very nice, but you would never know that almost 1000 students attend there.
As the day starts, I was informed about the student body. Some students cross the border each morning to attend school. The school is not allowed to question a student's citizenship (because they are minors). Consequently, the school takes anyone that comes through their doors --most of the students are bilingual.

After the first presentation, the teacher came up to me and said, "you know that one boy that was getting involved -- his entire family is in jail and/or prison." As another class entered this morning, the teacher said, "see that boy over there. His brother is in prison for murder and he is an active gang member. We have quite a bit of gang activity here."

After the programs were completed, I had lunch with a few teachers. They told me about a nearby high school that had 115 pregnant students this year. Some parents suggest for their 15 year old daughters to find an older man and get pregnant with him (getting pregnant is considered an improvement in their minds because the older man will get their family a trailer to live in -- which will be better than where they currently survive).

The teachers talked about how many of the older students have multiple sexual partners that they rotate through. One student that was very involved in one of my programs was pointed out to me after the presentation by the teachers. The teachers said that she was rumored to be a victim of gang rape. A few years ago, it was known that the guys would get the girls so drunk that the girl would pass out. From there, the guys would take the girl into a room and rape her. This situationh appened to this girl. When this tragedy happened, the girl transferred to another school to get away. A year later, she returned back to this school and is now doing well (from what they know). The gangs have"contests" of how many partners you can "do" in one night (quite an obvious situation for rape occurrences).

One of the major issues we discussed was the most popular rape drug in the world – alcohol. Throughout the programs, we had a very in-depthc onversation about how alcohol is used to take advantage of females. Students are not foolish. They agreed that alcohol is the most common rape drug.

A river goes through town and that river separates our country from Mexico. Over that river, a great deal of drug trafficking occurs. Drugs are prevalent throughout the town. Due to the border situation, many students traffic drugs to make extra money. Kids that strap drugs around their body make $500 per trip over the border. Do you have an image that roads have checkpoints? NOPE! Only the major expressway and/or roads have any checkpoints -- so getting across the border is not that difficult. According to the teachers, the movie "Traffic" is very accurate in its depiction of the drug world.

Many grandparents or single-moms are raising the kids (lack of fathers in the world these students live in). The teachers can see the evidence of the "Mama's Boy" syndrome in the males. They are not accountable to anyone and are seldom disciplined. Even worse, the kids grow up in homes where their mom being beaten is not uncommon. Consequently, we talked about what you see in your home or someone else’s home. How does this affect you? Can you tell what is wrong vs. right? If your mom is being beaten by a man your entire life, does that make abusing women okay? We showed the students the need to be able to identify these very unhealthy situations and to continuously remind themselves that each of these situations is wrong.

The good news? The students were great to work with. Even with all the negative surrounding these students, the school is clearly run well and with great discipline. From the inside of the school, you would not see any of the outside problems. These teachers and administrators deserve recognition. When you speak at a school like this one, you realize how important your message is to making change in the lives of youth. If you are ever struggling with why you are an activist trying to make adifference, think about all the students in this country that our need your message. They are all around us. One of my favorite quotes has always been “An obstacle is what you see when you take your eyes off the goal”. Keep your eyes on the goal of making change!

One of the unique aspects of this trip is that this all started from a student visiting my website and e-mailing me for some help with a school project. She proceeded to tell her teacher about my program. The teacher and student then went to the school counselor. He contacted me and brought me in. All of this action from a student taking some initiative. One of the neat moments during the day was getting to meet her -- her name is Ashley. Ashley, thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet you and all of your fellow students.

Just thought that I would share my story with you. Living in the towns/cities that we all live in can sometimes make it difficult to understand the conditions other Americans are experiencing.