Sex. Can We Talk?

When discussing respect and consent with students, how do you handle the specific issue of "sex" and "intimate acts"? If you are talking to students about the need to have consent before becoming intimate with a partner, how do you respond when a student interrupts you and says, "How do you ask if you want to give your partner a blow _ _ _? or if I want to touch my partner's ______?" (I do censor these e-mails to insure they get through any spam blockers).

Did either of those questions just make you squirmish or uncomfortable? If so, ask yourself, "Why?". When in a mature, healthy, and safe relationship, such sexual acts can be a routine part of a couple's intimacy. Usually, the students are asking you these questions because they sincerely want to know the answer. You should feel honored the students felt comfortable enough with you to open up with you. Sometimes, a student may be asking to "test" you and see how honest you are willing to be with them. Most students hate getting "sugar coated" information. They want the truth. After all, they are called the "Y" generation because they want to know "why".

If you appear to be uncomfortable talking about sex with students, the students are likely to mentally shut you out. They will say to themselves, "Why would I take advice on dating, intimacy, and sex from someone who can't even talk about it?" How do you get more comfortable with discussing this issue? Read books on human sexuality. A great book could help you become more confident on the issue and thus, create an "ease" for you to lead conversations. Plus, you will be armed with more knowledge to share with students (you will be able to help counter all the misleading information they are given by friends and the media).
When talking with students about consent and "asking first," the #1 question you are likely to receive is, "Do you ask your partner?" The question is a very good one. If you don't personally exercise the concept of "asking first", then you are being hypocritical to tell students that they should. You certainly cannot use the excuse, "Well I am older and so its different" or "I'm married and so it doesn't apply for me." Age doesn't matter. Commitment of a relationship doesn't matter. You still can't read minds.

So, do you have any excuses for not being open with students? Let me share the 2 most common ones I hear:

a) We are in a religious institution.
In most religions, the belief is that God created you. In doing so, God created the act of sex to help create life. Why would God create such a wonderful act between two people -- only to have your school talk about it in "shame" or as if it is "bad"? We are simply talking to our students so they understand what a special gift intimacy is. They should be as educated as much as possible to treasure that gift and treat it with the utmost respect.

b) I work with minors.
In most states in this country, some form of sexual contact is legal before the age of 18 (in many states, sexual intercourse is legal before the age of 18). How can we tell students it is legal to participate in these acts, but not to be educated on them?

Are you worried about the parents of minors? A simple way to address any sexual act is to let the students bring up the specifics. For instance, you ask, "What is the one dangerous sexual act that is the 'thing' to do nowadays?" The students may tell you oral sex. A parent calls and says, "How dare you teach my kids about oral sex?". All you have to do is respond by saying, "Actually, I didn't bring up oral sex and I didn't teach them how to do it. The students brought that specific sexual act up. Not me."

For me, teachers, educators, and parents are essential to my message. When I leave a school, many students will e-mail me questions because they don't feel they have someone at school or in their home that they can talk to. What do I do? I try to help them find that "someone" who they can become comfortable with. Ideally, you are one of those people.

Before trying to open another person's mind, how open is yours?

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