"It's No Big Deal" -- From a Kiss to Oral Sex

One of the most common questions students ask me online (when visiting one of my websites addressing sexual assault and consent) is how to handle your partner making a statement like, "Why won't you kiss you? A kiss is not that big of a deal."

The statement is almost always made after the partner has said "No" and/or told the other partner that he/she is not sure if he/she was ready yet for that type of intimacy. For example, Chris is trying to get Pat to be intimate, but Pat is saying she is not ready or comfortable engaging in that intimate act. Chris says to Pat, "It is no big deal. Why don't you just try it with me and then you'll see?" Chris is clearly trying to persuade Pat into engaging in the sexual act. The intimate act being referred to as "no big deal" can often range from a kiss to oral sex to sexual intercourse.

If Pat is e-mailing and/or asking you what to do, what do you say? First of all, you want to let Pat know that a caring partner who respects you will not try to "persuade" you into any sexual act that you are not comfortable with. A partner who respects you will respect your beliefs and your boundaries at all times.

Share with Pat how the NO BIG DEAL excuse makes no sense. Anytime a person says a sexual act is 'no big deal' then ask that person, "If it is NO BIG DEAL then why are you trying to get me to do it? After all, it's NO BIG DEAL. What is a big deal? My boundaries, my standards, and my beliefs are a VERY BIG DEAL TO ME! You want to be with me? Start by respecting me and my choices."