Is It Okay to Talk About Consent with Teenagers and Does It Fit a Discussion on Abstinence?

Recently, colleagues on a listserv were discussing consent and education based on consent. Responding to one of my e-mails, a colleague voiced concerns about being able to discuss consent with teenagers – due to the sexual culture in their region of the country. Her comments were as follows:

"I feel like talking about consent is pushing the limit in my area. The schools would just rather I come in and say that kids shouldn't do it at all, and that if you are messing around sexually with someone, or are a female dressing sexually, there is a better chance that you will be assaulted b/c you are 'giving mixed messages' and attracting the attention of potential rapists. Of course, I do not say that. The attitude is that if students are having sex, they have made a bad choice and can and should choose differently."

I was happy to have the opportunity to share how consent education is appropriate for all forms of sexual education (abstinence, abstinence plus, comprehensive, etc...). Normally, I would not share an e-mail I've written to help shed light on a topic. However, this particular concern surrounding teaching consent is such a common concern among educators (and parents) that we saw the e-mail exchange as an opportunity to share with others. With that colleague’s permission, below you can read my response to her comments:

MY COMMENTS . . .

Actually the conversation on consent stresses respecting boundaries and standards. If students were asking before engaging in intimacy, more partners would say, "No" because they would feel less pressure. They would feel more empowered by being given a choice. Unequivocally, students in our programs say "asking first" would greatly reduce the amount of sexual activity among their age group. They state four main reasons:

1) They are not typically comfortable enough with the person to ask first and so having to ask would become uncomfortable in those situations. Thus, stopping the advancement of the sexual activity.

2) If they were being asked and were not sure of what they actually wanted, they would be given a choice to say, "No" without any negative consequences or without guilt/pressure being applied to them (in a healthy situation of asking first, you do not ever pressure someone or question them about their choice to say, "No.").

3) You cannot give consent when you are drunk. A great deal of intimacy occurs under the influence of alcohol and other drugs. Thus, these occurrences would be greatly reduced if consent was required before engaging in intimacy.

4) When students have learned about consent, they are more likely to feel comfortable telling their partner that he/she must ask first. In doing so, the person is sending a strong signal of healthy expectations and boundaries. By learning consent, the person who is having "moves made" on him/her is more likely to speak out.

In a program on consent, you can tackle the "mixed messages" theory head on. You can show the problems in ever trying to "read" another person's mind or messages. If you have any message, ask the person about what you are reading into their signals. With the proper skills, you can do so without being tacky or disrespectful (communication skills).

Teaching consent is much more than simply "how to say 'No' to your partner." Discussing consent means teaching communication skills, respect (what it means to each person), boundaries, personal values, and much more. In addition, discussing consent involves sharing what happens when someone does not get consent and how to support a survivor of sexual assault.

Many of you have mentioned your regional cultures as a reason for concern about discussing this issue. Ironically, we do a great deal of programming with religious institutions who want their students to have a discussion that respects abstinence while still preparing them for healthy intimacy down the road. You can easily share with communities how discussing consent is the ultimate way to discuss abstinence. If partners always asked first, your child's desire to be abstinent would always be respected AND honored.

======= What was the response of the colleague who sent the e-mail to me? I received a wonderful e-mail thanking me for providing clarity on an often cloudy subject matter. I simply appreciated having the opportunity to explain education on consent with points that apply to all cultural regions.

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