R. Kelly Sex Charges

With a judge recently refusing to drop the sex charges against R. Kelly (R&B singer), the media has begun discussing his case again. I applaud media and news sources addressing cases concerning sexual assaults and sexual misconduct. My questions is, "Why just R. Kelly and other such celebrities (actors, athletes, politians, entertainers, etc...)?" Imagine if the media covered every sexual assault case like they did cases involving celebrities (Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson). Our society would constantly be hearing and reading the coverage of sexual assault cases across the country. People would realize how frequent sexual assault occurs in our society. They may even become fearful. They would demand change. Wouldn't that be great -- To see our country truly tackle the horrific crime of sexual assault?

What can you do to personally help increase awareness? Every time you see major media and news sources cover a sexual assault involving a celebrity, read your local newspaper crime blotter to see what other sexual assault charges occured in the past week. Make a copy of that specific section of the blotter and fax it to the news/media outlet saying, "Thanks for covering the XXX sexual assault case. Thought you might be interested in also covering these local cases."

"It's No Big Deal" -- From a Kiss to Oral Sex

One of the most common questions students ask me online (when visiting one of my websites addressing sexual assault and consent) is how to handle your partner making a statement like, "Why won't you kiss you? A kiss is not that big of a deal."

The statement is almost always made after the partner has said "No" and/or told the other partner that he/she is not sure if he/she was ready yet for that type of intimacy. For example, Chris is trying to get Pat to be intimate, but Pat is saying she is not ready or comfortable engaging in that intimate act. Chris says to Pat, "It is no big deal. Why don't you just try it with me and then you'll see?" Chris is clearly trying to persuade Pat into engaging in the sexual act. The intimate act being referred to as "no big deal" can often range from a kiss to oral sex to sexual intercourse.

If Pat is e-mailing and/or asking you what to do, what do you say? First of all, you want to let Pat know that a caring partner who respects you will not try to "persuade" you into any sexual act that you are not comfortable with. A partner who respects you will respect your beliefs and your boundaries at all times.

Share with Pat how the NO BIG DEAL excuse makes no sense. Anytime a person says a sexual act is 'no big deal' then ask that person, "If it is NO BIG DEAL then why are you trying to get me to do it? After all, it's NO BIG DEAL. What is a big deal? My boundaries, my standards, and my beliefs are a VERY BIG DEAL TO ME! You want to be with me? Start by respecting me and my choices."

Wake-up To Alcohol

In an article printed today in the Kentucky Kernel ("Study: Binge drinking, sexual assaults mix too often" by Mallory Moore), the title hits the point right on target. However, the article itself fails to follow the disturbing points from the research. The majority of the article focused on binge drinking. However, the study showed how students were frequently using alcohol as a date rape drug (30-40% of males admitted doing so). The one paragraph from the article that states the findings of the study said:

According to a study at Indiana State University, 40 percent of male students play drinking games to take sexual advantage of their opponents. Another 30 percent play because they're trying to get their opponent drunk enough to have sex, and 20 percent said they assaulted an opponent after a drinking game.

Here is the news story. Two years ago, date rape drugs were getting tons of attention from major media sources. People were talking about how dangerous date rape drugs are and how to be "safe" when going out to drink socially. During that time, many of us activists in the field of sexual assault education were saying, "Is everyone forgetting about alcohol? The #1 Date Rape Drug ever to exist is alcohol. If a person wouldn't engage in the sexual act with you sober and so you use alcohol to change their state of mind, you are using a drug to influence the minds of another person -- the very definition of a date rape drug." We must admit that alcohol is #1 Date Rape Drug and it is being used throughout society at a much higher rate than GHB, Royhpnol, and other date rape drugs.

The study shows how common it is for people to use alcohol as a way to sexually assault another person. We even see media images promoting this concept. In the recent movie "40 year old Virgin," the main character is told by his buddy to find the drunk woman and start your sexual experience with her (it was suppose to be a humorous part of the movie). Think about the fact that lots of people probably did laugh during that scene. Thus, showing how we live in a "rape culture." Our society does not understand how tragic the crime of sexual assault is. In the study mentioned previously, a high percentage of males admit to intentionally using alcohol to drug a partner into sexual activity.

Hopefully, a major media news outlet will grab onto this study and help America wake up to the reality of how alcohol is being used to rape women and men throughout our society. Parents, schools, and colleges need to teach students why this issue is vitally important to all of us .. We must begin by teaching why consent is the key element to healthy intimacy. Consent ideally means two people making a comfortable and wanted decision together when both are in a healthy state of mind (not intoxicated). If every student believed in the importance of conset and that he or she must obtain consent before engaging in a sexual act, you would not see the use of alcohol so prevalent as a date rape drug. Why? Because students would know that they cannot receive consent from a drunk person and would not want to intentionally hurt another person.

If we had more comprehensive education on sexual assault, students would realize how traumatic and horrifying this crime is to both survivors and the people around them. Society consistently says that murder and rape are the two most horrific crimes. You don't see many people who would ever brag about killing someone. However, you do frequently hear students (from middle school to high school) who brag about "I got her so drunk, I _____ her" -- bragging about taking advantage of another person. Bragging about being a rapist.

Our society must speak loud and clear to address how serious of a problem we have with the combination of sexual assault and alcohol. We can't simply say sexual assault is a horrific crime and then not do anything about it. Start by teaching respect for human life, the need to always have consent, and by looking out for others. If you want to help make make an impact, download the "Pledge to Protect" from www.thedatesafeproject.org and help others join the mission to make a difference!

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Sex Ed and Sexual Assault

In the debate of abstinence verse comprehensive Sex Ed in a recent US & World News Report (Just Don't Do It! Kate Kelly, October 17), the one component missing from the conversation was the fact that the the majority of Sex Ed programs are leaving out the importance of teaching students to talk with one another - consent. If students were taught the importance of respecting their partner’s wishes and boundaries, you would see a decrease in risky sexual activities occurring.

What should and should not be covered in a public school Sex Edprogram may be a controversial topic, since public funding is involved. However, lessons on consent and 'asking first,' should be supported by parents and teachers on both sides of the argument.

When asked first, a partner who may be uncomfortable with a certain sexual activity will actually be given a choice and have the option to say, "No." This is a point both those believing in comprehensive sexual education and those who want abstinence-only programs should be able to agree on - respecting another person's choice and boundaries.

Everyone should want youth to respect their bodies and the bodies of their partners. And the key to insuring respect is ‘asking first' and then listening. Teenagers and college students repeatedly tell me that if they had to ask first, they would be more likely to realize the potentially dangerous consequences of their actions (the influence of alcohol, diseases, hook-ups, etc...). Students admit that 'asking first' would create safer dating environments and more respect among partners.

The discussion that needs to occur with Sex Ed is "When are we going to begin teaching students 'how to talk first' before engaging in sexual activity? When are we going to start teaching the importance of 'asking first' and then listening?" Both sides of the current debate want their views to be respected -- so lets start teaching our students how to respect boundaries and provide real choices when with their partners (both in dating and in marriage)!

"Pledge to Protect" Kids and Students

I am excited to announce that The Date Safe Project has launched a new initiative asking students and families to pledge their support and protection to one another to help reduce the number of sexual assault and date rape incidents.

As a nation, a shared commitment to this cause is exactly the kind of community involvement we need to help put these people away and help raise awareness for families and children of the real dangers that exist out there. Our initiative further reinforces the responsibility of communities and teaches friends and families the importance of supporting and protecting one another.

The Date Safe Project’s program offers two “contracts.” The agreements are educational resources provided to schools and families by The Date Safe Project.

The Commitment to Care agreement is designed for parents and children. Children promise to come to their parents if they are ever victimized in any way sexually, and parents promise to support their children in the way the child wishes to be supported.

Unfortunately, many children who are victims of sexual molestation, and/or teens who have been date raped, resist telling parents. The reasons range from embarrassment to worrying what their parents will actually do to the perpetrator. This Commitment to Care helps open the dialogue between parents and children and creates guidelines both parents and children can be sure of if ever faced with this kind of trauma.

The Pledge to Protect is designed for students in middle and high schools and colleges and universities. Students announce their support for others and promise to help peers who find themselves in potentially dangerous situations. They also vocalize their support for those who have survived a sexual assault. At the end of my presentations this Fall on college campuses, several of the schools have promoted the "Pledge to Protect" and have had fantastic show of support from students and staff.

By making this pledge, students create a united front against sexual assault and date rape, visible to all who need support and to those who have or could possibly commit a sexual crime. It says ‘we will not tolerate this.'

We are not alone in this mission to protect children and others from sexual predators. National figures are helping make a difference. On her talk show, Oprah Winfrey has recently taken on the cause of helping to find sex offenders across the country. She is doing a wonderful job of posting photos of sexual criminals at large on her program. David Schwimmer from the television show "Friends" has actively supported work increasing sexual assault awareness and survivors. Tori Amos has been at the forefront of supporting R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse, Incest, and National Network). The more we can get people of all backgrounds speaking out, the more our society is to start talking.