Getting Students Involved

--orginally printed in November 2004

"We just don't have enough students involved to get anything rolling about sexual assault awareness on our campus (or in our schools). What can we do?" Schools and students are constantly looking for ways to get more people engaged on the topic of sexual assault awareness. If you are looking to get more people involved, good news! Schools are having great success with the following concept.

Your #1 Recruiting Tool is an inspired audience! When you put on a thought-provoking program that really intrigues students, you will have them interested and wanting to make a difference. At that exact moment is when you ask for people to sign-up.

EXAMPLE: Recently on 2 different campuses that I was speaking at, the school provided me with an organization on campus that was trying to get more students involved with sexual assault awareness. At the end of my presentation (when I was discussing how each person in the audience has to decide what he/she is going to personally do to help), I brought up this great organization on their campus and how each person only needs to sign-up to start the change. Signing-up only means leaving your name, phone number, and/or e-mail address. The form is right here on stage and will only take you seconds to fill out.

The results? At least 1/3 of the audiences have been signing up (with an audience of only 100, you are talking about anadditional 33 students to work with). Even if only 1/3 of those students that sign-up do anything, you have 10 MORE STUDENTS helping you on campus.

You can utilize this recruiting tool at all programming (Peer Educators, Speakers, etc...). For recruiting to work, the presenters MUST be passionate and excited about the organization when they talk about signing up (upbeat and positive energy). After all, "Energy Energizes"! Have the students talk about how much fun they have working together. Everyone likes to have fun.

Be Honest & Realistic

--originally printed in November 2004

One of most common mistakes people make in educating students about healthy dating and relationships is that the presenter makes doing the "right thing" always seem simple and easy. The problem with that philosophy is that when a student finds it difficult doing the right thing, the student says to him/herself, "I can't do this" and then they often go back to the unhealthy or disrespectful approach.

If you teach and SHOW how difficult doing the right thing can be, then you properly prepare people for those tough moments. You make it possible for the student to overcome their fears. If you give examples of embarrassing scenarios that could result from doing the "right thing" (such as "asking" before kissing someone and being "turned down"), then you provide honest and real solutions to the audience's biggest concerns. Students appreciate the honesty. When you make everything seem simple and "fairy tale" like, you usually lose your credibility.

While you know doing the "right thing" is important, ask yourself, "How can doing the 'right thing' be embarrassing or feel 'odd' at times?" Think of specific situations. Now, how can you change that situation to reduce the uncomfortable moment? If you can give the audience the worst thing that could possibly happen to them when acting with respect AND then show the audience how to handle that very difficult moment, they will respect you for speaking the truth. Plus, you will give them an answer they can feel comfortable with and can look forward to using in their own lives.

The students will tell you, "Thank you for treating us like adults and for being real with us -- For giving us the chance to make tough decisions." Next time you are working with students, give it a shot and let me know what happens.

P.S. Rehearse first!

How Far Will You Go? (Student Leaders)

--originally printed in October 2004

RA's, Orientation Leaders, Peer Educators, and many other student leaders have fantastic opportunities to lead, especially when they are around other students on their campus. The challenge is "How Far Will You Go" to make a difference? Are you willing to take on an issue -- even when you are not "required" or "expected" to address the specific subject matter?

When the issue of sexual assault awareness arises among student leaders, most of the leaders share that they participate in the "standard" talk about parties, date rape drugs, locking doors to the residence halls, etc... However, very few student leaders take action toward creating a "healthy and respectful atmosphere" in their living quarters.

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EXAMPLE
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For example, a couple (Partner A and Partner B) is returning from a party at 11:30 PM. They are arriving at the living quarters of Partner A who lives in the residence hall. Partner A has been drinking, but is not belligerent or obnoxious (simply "tipsy"). Partner B appears to be sober. You observe the couple going towards Partner A's room. Do you do anything?

Most students report that they would check-in on Partner A and make sure that everything is okay. If everything appears to be okay, the observing student will tell Partner A to be careful.

A few student leaders (very few) would do the following: Approach Partner A to see if the person has been drinking. Once established that Partner A has been drinking, the student leader would turn to Partner B and say, "Thank you for bringing Partner A back to the hall. We really appreciate it. We will take care of everything from here. Thanks again." If Partner B gets upset or starts arguing, the student leader would say, "Look, Partner A has been drinking and it is our responsibility to make sure that our floor mate is okay and safe in this hall. We don't want to get you into trouble or Partner A -- so please let us take care of Partner A." If Partner B becomes violent or threatening, the student leaders would call security and immediately have the person written up. If the student leader was not a RA, then the student leader would seek out the RA or the hall director to help intervene.
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Some people ask "Why would you get involved in this situation?" In most states, you cannot give consent if you are not of sound mind (which drinking can certainly contribute to a person not being of "sound mind"). What are the odds that sexual contact will be taking place in the room of Partner A -- once the couple goes into the room by themselves? The far majority of students state that the odds are tremendously high that sexual activity of some kind will take place in a room of a couple returning from a party, especially when one partner has been drinking and is tipsy.

What if the situation was different? If Partner B was talking violently or in a threatening manner toward Partner A, then would you interfere? Most student leaders answer, "Immediately." If you had heard a rumor that Partner B had sexually assaulted another student on campus, then would you interfere? The majority of student leaders reply, "Of course." What is the difference? A person who is acting "violently" or "mean" appears to be obvious. However, -- if Partner B is not acting so obviously, people are more likely to ASSUME that Partner B is safe. A dangerous assumption.

The question becomes "How far will you go to help protect your fellow students?"

Males Do Want to Help

--originally printed in October of 2003

One of the biggest misconceptions about dating and sexual assault awareness is the belief that "most men don't care about this issue, especially young males." As the new school year has begun and I am speaking on college campuses, we are seeing an incredible number of both males and females asking great questions and wanting more information. At the end of presentations, males are buying books at the back of the room in equal volume as the females (on some campuses, more males are buying the book than females). The feedback we are hearing from male and female students is that they are thrilled to have the opportunity to learn about healthy dating, respect, and sexual assault awareness in a forum that encourages both genders to get involved by talking together (instead of just teaching women "self-defense" and only teaching men "No Means No").

If you would like to get more males involved, remember the cliché' "You attract a lot more bees to honey than vinegar." Avoid"attacking" differing views. Welcome them, explore them, and then you have the opportunity to help someone CHANGE their beliefs based on their own thought process. Create an open and healthy environment for males and females to talk with each other and you can be amazed by what they share and learn from each other.

"Let It Rain" by a survivor of sexual assault

--originally posted in August 2004

"Repair"
by Jessica

I cannot feel
I cannot see
I cannot wash
I won’t come clean

My face is red
My hands are black
My heart is blue
My soul, it lacks

My spirit’s in pieces
My dreams are jaded
My nights are shattered
My memory has faded

Where innocence presided
Darkness moved in
As soon as my eyes shut
The nightmares begin

My mouth, it is screaming
But no sound will come out
Rescue me from this skin
Let me out, let me out

And now I am running
To find a new day
But I’m running in circles
I just can’t get away

Sometimes I can just sit still
It’s the only peace I find
But when I clear my head there’s room
For that night to replay, replay in my mind

For an answer I search
But it cannot be found
All I find is the horror
The feeling, the sound

My eyes now feel
My hands now see
It’s all mixed up
And I still won’t come clean

This shame it now binds me
My body’s in chains
Please someone free me
From this guilt, from this blame

And now it is raining
The sky cries just for me
There is no sense in staying dry
The water sets me free

The storm is getting bigger
From my eyes my pain still falls
The rain does its best to cover my tears
But it will never hide them all

I want the rain to wash me off
But the rain can’t get inside
For now I have to hold it in
For now I have to hide

And all of a sudden
I have a hand reaching out
Some wrong turns to right
And some hope replaces doubt

I never liked the rain so much
Until I stood in it with you
The soil begins to wash away
A little at a time, the real me shows through

The scars still claim their place
I still feel the pain
But now I know I deserve to come clean
Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain.

**If you would like to share a writing with us, please e-mail me at mike@thedatesafeproject.org.

Working with Students

--originally printed in July 2002

Recently, I was interviewed by a newspaper reporter from the Waco Tribune to talk about working with students in schools. Are teenagers more difficult today than 20 years ago? Are they less respectful of authority? ... and many similar questions. My answer to each question was “NO!”

Don’t get me wrong. Students of today are different. They do not and will not accept “because I said so.” Students want you to explain “why” and they are right in making that request of educators, activists, politicians, parents, and others. If you want people to make the tough and correct choice when faced with difficult decisions, you must give them the proper foundation of decision-making. Each teenager must understand, at their deepest core, why doing the “right thing” is so vitally important to being a good person. When you understand the “why” of your decisions, going against peer pressure is much easier.

In addition to knowing the “why”, you must teach the TRUTH and be willing to hear the TRUTH yourself! Be open and honest with students. If you go to give a presentation on sexual assault, be prepared for all attitudes and answers that may come your way. Open yourself up to all challenges with a friendly face. If you become defensive towards a student’s comments during your program, you will turn many of the students “off" and thus, diminish your entire reason for speaking -- to open their minds to a better approach and understanding. No matter how offensive the student’s comment may be, you must remain calm and address the negative comments with a positive approach. Time and time again, students tell us that our program is so successful because of the manner is which we relate to the students. The students love that we are willing to hear “their side of the story.”

For example, many people teach students that "No Always Means No." However, in each crowd of 30 students, you will have AT LEAST one female who will believe that you are wrong in telling students that "No Always Means No." In this one female’s mind, she will be thinking “that is not true. I have said ‘no’ as part of a game I play with the guys I’m with.” How do you address this issue? If you simply say “NO always means NO”, you are going to lose credibility after you leave the room. Why? At least one female student (if not more) will talk about how they personally break that rule which makes you wrong because you said, "Always." Once a student can prove you wrong, the other student’s will believe their peer and not you. After you lose your credibility, all the lessons you were teaching will be lost by the majority of the students.

Then how do you address to students the issue that “No Always means No”? Change the wording in your presentation to "Always respect the word 'No' as meaning 'No!' Then, you are showing the utmost respect for your partner." By changing this wording, no one individual student's argument can prove you wrong because you didn't say what they were thinking (which you can't absolutely know). Instead of trying to prove what they were thinking, you showed all the students the "right way" to respect another person.

With any decisions you make on your approach with students, you must explain your approach in a way that you feel comfortable and believe in If I gave you my speech, it wouldn’t work for you. Why? I fully understand my approach and believe in it 100%. My personal passion is the catalyst to my presentations. Your passion will be unique to you. If you try to copy another person's program, students will know. Teenagers have a gift of being able to detect a "fake" and can tell when you are NOT passionate about what you are saying.

When a student does make a rude or insensitive comment, is it easy to remain objective and calm? No, but you are the professional and your goal should be to make a difference. Therefore, you must learn how to use this skill of “not attacking”. If you have spoke to students in the past and never heard arguments against your point of view, you are probably not provoking the students enough to hear what they are really thinking. Provoking must be done in a fashion that makes the students comfortable with you. You can NOT lecture teenagers and make them feel comfortable. They hate lectures. Talk WITH them and listen to them. Then teach each of them what is the “right thing to do”.

Students of today are an awesome group of individuals who love to be challenged. Challenge them and open doors of change that they never expected to experience. By doing so, you will make an amazing difference!

Stick to One Point -- Then Call to Action

--originally printed in April 2005

When you work with students or audiences of any age, stressing too many concepts in one hour is likely to confuse your listeners.

Choose one main theme. Within the one main point you select, make several smaller points to strengthen your message. Just keep the "MAIN" point clear throughout the presentation. For most effective results, all the smaller points should focus back to the "MAIN" theme.
Then, end the program with a CALL TO ACTION -- based on your "MAIN"point!! If you only make people aware of a problem, you are not necessarily helping reduce the problem from happening. For instance, at the end of my presentation, I want to leave the audience WANTING TO ASK their partners (current and/or future). If they take that action, they are very likely to treat their partners with more respect. Thus, we give the audience a "skill" to use in their own lives.

Sexual Assault & Persons with Disabilities

--originally printed in January 2005

"Persons with disabilities are at a much greater risk for sexual assault than persons without disabilities. When sexual violence does occur, they receive fewer services and support," says Shirley Paceley, Director of Blue Tower Training Center in Decatur, Illinois. Shirley is doing something about this problem. Blue Tower is a national provider of training, consultation and resources on sexual abuse prevention and intervention for persons with developmental disabilities. Shirley was the Project Coordinator for the WE CAN Stop Abuse project which developed and implemented an effective curriculum to teach prevention skills to persons with developmental disabilities.

With a lifelong passion for violence prevention, Ms. Paceley’s work has extended to young children -- when she co-authored "SAFE BEGINNINGS: Protecting Our Children From Sexual Abuse" with Orieda Horn Anderson. Blue Tower Training Center has released a children’s CD of prevention music, called "I LIKE ME! Growing Songs for Healthy Children." "We feel that with music, we can help children build a strong foundation of healthy sexuality and a healthy self-concept," says Paceley. Songs on the CD include feelings, touches, secrets, telling, respect, diversity and more.

To learn more about the products and services available through Blue Tower Training Center go to: http://www.thedatesafeproject.org in the "Educational Tools" section.

Tough Crowds Need Us

--Originally printed in January 2005

If you have ever spoke to a class, presented to a large audience, or conducted a workshop, you may have once thought, "Wow, that was a tough crowd."

Last semester, I was speaking to an audience of Fraternities in which several males in the audience were determined to speak out throughout various segments of the evening. Often, their comments were considered rude and disrespectful. While my program is designed to be interactive, we rarely run into an audience exhibiting such behavior.

After the session was completed, a group of student leaders took me to dinner. While thanking me for coming to their campus, these student leaders apologized for the males who were so disruptive. They said to me, "We loved your program and heard lots of great comments from the fraternities, but would you ever come back here after working with such a boorish group?" "Yes, of course," I answered.

The fact is that those students proved MORE programming needs to be done to continue the process of creating change. An audience who makes comments in response to you is an audience that is LISTENING! All of the statements this group made were in direct response to what I was saying. I knew we had lit a "fire" inside them and so they were determined to prove me wrong. Perfect. The more they argued, the more opportunity they provided me to show the need for change in their thought process.

How do you keep yourself "under control" when being bombarded with interruptions? Be direct! Be willing to stop your "normal" presentation and take a different course of action.
Example: In the above presentation, I stopped my program and paused. Silence is a powerful tool when presenting. Then, I looked straight into their eyes and asked with a sincere tone, "How many of you hate the comments made about Fraternities that make you look like jerks and rapists?" The entire room raised their hands. I followed with, "Then why are some of you acting like that image this evening? I know that is not who you are. I know most of you are great individuals. All I am asking you to do is to act like it." The room was silent. Rarely do I ever need to take this approach, but in the right situation -- it works. The overwhelming feedback afterwards was "Thank you for saying what needed to be said to us."

Don't let a tough crowd get you down. Let them remind of how much your work is needed. Get "UP" and get excited for a group you know needs your message!!

Living in This Great Country

--Originally printed in May of 2002

Recently, I spoke at a high school in the Southwest portion of the United States. This speaking engagement was a great learning experience. Why? I was reminded that we should all be grateful for the lives we live each and every day.

This morning, I spoke in 4 classes at a high school that is in a town which is literally on the border of Mexico and the USA. In this geographical area, each community is built along the border. Every where you look, you see desert (sand, bushes, and mountains). I am not naming the town because they were wonderful people and I do not want you tohave a negative opinion of the entire community. The fact is that this community represents a great deal of the small communities in our wonderful country.

As you drive into town, you can't help but notice poverty. As you approach the high school, a couple of homes are not much more than shacks. Almost 1000 students go to this school. However, the library is so small that it looks like it is for a small elementary school. The school is very nice, but you would never know that almost 1000 students attend there.
As the day starts, I was informed about the student body. Some students cross the border each morning to attend school. The school is not allowed to question a student's citizenship (because they are minors). Consequently, the school takes anyone that comes through their doors --most of the students are bilingual.

After the first presentation, the teacher came up to me and said, "you know that one boy that was getting involved -- his entire family is in jail and/or prison." As another class entered this morning, the teacher said, "see that boy over there. His brother is in prison for murder and he is an active gang member. We have quite a bit of gang activity here."

After the programs were completed, I had lunch with a few teachers. They told me about a nearby high school that had 115 pregnant students this year. Some parents suggest for their 15 year old daughters to find an older man and get pregnant with him (getting pregnant is considered an improvement in their minds because the older man will get their family a trailer to live in -- which will be better than where they currently survive).

The teachers talked about how many of the older students have multiple sexual partners that they rotate through. One student that was very involved in one of my programs was pointed out to me after the presentation by the teachers. The teachers said that she was rumored to be a victim of gang rape. A few years ago, it was known that the guys would get the girls so drunk that the girl would pass out. From there, the guys would take the girl into a room and rape her. This situationh appened to this girl. When this tragedy happened, the girl transferred to another school to get away. A year later, she returned back to this school and is now doing well (from what they know). The gangs have"contests" of how many partners you can "do" in one night (quite an obvious situation for rape occurrences).

One of the major issues we discussed was the most popular rape drug in the world – alcohol. Throughout the programs, we had a very in-depthc onversation about how alcohol is used to take advantage of females. Students are not foolish. They agreed that alcohol is the most common rape drug.

A river goes through town and that river separates our country from Mexico. Over that river, a great deal of drug trafficking occurs. Drugs are prevalent throughout the town. Due to the border situation, many students traffic drugs to make extra money. Kids that strap drugs around their body make $500 per trip over the border. Do you have an image that roads have checkpoints? NOPE! Only the major expressway and/or roads have any checkpoints -- so getting across the border is not that difficult. According to the teachers, the movie "Traffic" is very accurate in its depiction of the drug world.

Many grandparents or single-moms are raising the kids (lack of fathers in the world these students live in). The teachers can see the evidence of the "Mama's Boy" syndrome in the males. They are not accountable to anyone and are seldom disciplined. Even worse, the kids grow up in homes where their mom being beaten is not uncommon. Consequently, we talked about what you see in your home or someone else’s home. How does this affect you? Can you tell what is wrong vs. right? If your mom is being beaten by a man your entire life, does that make abusing women okay? We showed the students the need to be able to identify these very unhealthy situations and to continuously remind themselves that each of these situations is wrong.

The good news? The students were great to work with. Even with all the negative surrounding these students, the school is clearly run well and with great discipline. From the inside of the school, you would not see any of the outside problems. These teachers and administrators deserve recognition. When you speak at a school like this one, you realize how important your message is to making change in the lives of youth. If you are ever struggling with why you are an activist trying to make adifference, think about all the students in this country that our need your message. They are all around us. One of my favorite quotes has always been “An obstacle is what you see when you take your eyes off the goal”. Keep your eyes on the goal of making change!

One of the unique aspects of this trip is that this all started from a student visiting my website and e-mailing me for some help with a school project. She proceeded to tell her teacher about my program. The teacher and student then went to the school counselor. He contacted me and brought me in. All of this action from a student taking some initiative. One of the neat moments during the day was getting to meet her -- her name is Ashley. Ashley, thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet you and all of your fellow students.

Just thought that I would share my story with you. Living in the towns/cities that we all live in can sometimes make it difficult to understand the conditions other Americans are experiencing.