Sex. Can We Talk?

When discussing respect and consent with students, how do you handle the specific issue of "sex" and "intimate acts"? If you are talking to students about the need to have consent before becoming intimate with a partner, how do you respond when a student interrupts you and says, "How do you ask if you want to give your partner a blow _ _ _? or if I want to touch my partner's ______?" (I do censor these e-mails to insure they get through any spam blockers).

Did either of those questions just make you squirmish or uncomfortable? If so, ask yourself, "Why?". When in a mature, healthy, and safe relationship, such sexual acts can be a routine part of a couple's intimacy. Usually, the students are asking you these questions because they sincerely want to know the answer. You should feel honored the students felt comfortable enough with you to open up with you. Sometimes, a student may be asking to "test" you and see how honest you are willing to be with them. Most students hate getting "sugar coated" information. They want the truth. After all, they are called the "Y" generation because they want to know "why".

If you appear to be uncomfortable talking about sex with students, the students are likely to mentally shut you out. They will say to themselves, "Why would I take advice on dating, intimacy, and sex from someone who can't even talk about it?" How do you get more comfortable with discussing this issue? Read books on human sexuality. A great book could help you become more confident on the issue and thus, create an "ease" for you to lead conversations. Plus, you will be armed with more knowledge to share with students (you will be able to help counter all the misleading information they are given by friends and the media).
When talking with students about consent and "asking first," the #1 question you are likely to receive is, "Do you ask your partner?" The question is a very good one. If you don't personally exercise the concept of "asking first", then you are being hypocritical to tell students that they should. You certainly cannot use the excuse, "Well I am older and so its different" or "I'm married and so it doesn't apply for me." Age doesn't matter. Commitment of a relationship doesn't matter. You still can't read minds.

So, do you have any excuses for not being open with students? Let me share the 2 most common ones I hear:

a) We are in a religious institution.
In most religions, the belief is that God created you. In doing so, God created the act of sex to help create life. Why would God create such a wonderful act between two people -- only to have your school talk about it in "shame" or as if it is "bad"? We are simply talking to our students so they understand what a special gift intimacy is. They should be as educated as much as possible to treasure that gift and treat it with the utmost respect.

b) I work with minors.
In most states in this country, some form of sexual contact is legal before the age of 18 (in many states, sexual intercourse is legal before the age of 18). How can we tell students it is legal to participate in these acts, but not to be educated on them?

Are you worried about the parents of minors? A simple way to address any sexual act is to let the students bring up the specifics. For instance, you ask, "What is the one dangerous sexual act that is the 'thing' to do nowadays?" The students may tell you oral sex. A parent calls and says, "How dare you teach my kids about oral sex?". All you have to do is respond by saying, "Actually, I didn't bring up oral sex and I didn't teach them how to do it. The students brought that specific sexual act up. Not me."

For me, teachers, educators, and parents are essential to my message. When I leave a school, many students will e-mail me questions because they don't feel they have someone at school or in their home that they can talk to. What do I do? I try to help them find that "someone" who they can become comfortable with. Ideally, you are one of those people.

Before trying to open another person's mind, how open is yours?

www.thedatesafeproject.org

Don't Blame the Audience

When I am presenting my "Train the Trainer" session with peer educators, RA's, and administrators, one of the most frequently asked questions is, "How do we get men involved? When we handout brochures in the Student Union, rarely do men take anything." My response is simple. Why do you have such a lame brochure that no guy wants to pick up? If you want to draw the average male into your efforts, create materials that relate to the average male.

Materials that say, "Join Men Against Rape" are built on a negative. It is men "Against . . ." Instead, create an organization that shows what men are fighting FOR!! Most people want to join positive organizations. What could you title the organization that would be a positive title? For example, "Men Making a Difference!!" Produce materials that say, "How Strong Are You? Strong Enough to be a Real Man? Real Men Speak Out!! Join us on Tuesday at 7:00 PM." It is a powerful message.

If you want to be more controversial, you could be thought-provoking with issues that spark a fire inside a certain group of men such as for males in the Greek system on campus, "Do You Hate How Greek Members Are Assumed to Be Rapists? Do something about it by showing up on Tuesday at 7:00 PM!" In this example, you are speaking to men about something that they feel directly effects them. Best of all, you can then show those men how they can change that image of Greek Life by each of them getting personally involved in awareness education and efforts on campus. Thus, you are giving them a proactive approach to a major campus issue. To avoid further upsetting any group, you should only place this type of an Ad in the Greek Life houses / housing (where only they would see it). Better yet, ask their leadership to put the signs up. Many Greek members on campus constantly tell me how they hate the negative image and want to change it. Create a forum for those individuals to get involved.

www.thedatesafeproject.org

A Campus Brings It From the Top

When schools and organizations show support from the very top of the administration, the likelihood of more people getting actively involved is tremendously higher!! At Gustavus Adolphus College in Minnesota, the support came from the President of the University downward and from the students upward. When I came onto campus, we saw faculty and staff wearing the "Can I Kiss You?" T-shirts all over campus. Before I presented my main program that day, the campus had a special dinner for all of the organizations involved in sponsoring my visit. The dinner was made-up of 15 faculty/administration (including the President of the University) and 15 students.

The results? Over 25% of the campus attended the program that evening and NO ONE was mandated to attend. Students had simply heard from other students and faculty all about the program. The lesson? Working hard to get lots of departments and administrators involved is worth the effort. Oh yea, this entire movement on their campus was started by a STUDENT who was determined to make this event a huge success! Gustavus Adolphus is a prime example of students, staff, and faculty working together (in all directions).

Welcome

Welcome to "The Date Safe Advocate" Blogger. This site is dedicated to teaching why and how "asking first" is the key to gaining consent in an intimate moment. By learning the importance of asking, our society will exhibit a much more respectful and safer approach to dating and relationships. Please feel free to share your ideas and feedback with us at info@thedatesafeproject.org.